In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
