Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
