Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
