Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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