You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
