Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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