Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
