just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
