he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
