i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
