Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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