Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The Olympian is in my bed
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
