Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize