had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
