Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
