Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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