i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
