you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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