You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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