did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
