I accidentally had phone sex last night
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
