with your own penis?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
