Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it glows. i had to have it.
How's work?
Spinning.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
