She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
