i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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