Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
