I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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