girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
