my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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