maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
