How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
