I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
