My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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