I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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