I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
