Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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