i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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