i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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