the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
