he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
