The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize