Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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