Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
