I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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