maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Terrible idea I love it
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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