She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
