I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
