im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
