you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
