I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
