the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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