either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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