i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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