It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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