You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
