I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
