checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize