Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
